“Do you currently attend a church that does NOT have a special needs program?”

136 of the parents responded to this survey question.  20% of them answered “Yes.”

I wanted to share some of their individual comments with you.  The following comments are a reflection of how appreciative parents of special needs children are for churches that have been a place of welcome and inclusion:

Elaine:  “We attend a very small church and there are only 3 children in the intermediate nursery. They take excellent care of my son.”

Terry:  “Our church does not have a special needs program. We are a small church and kids with special needs are welcomed and have roles all their own. My son is an altar server. Other children are simply part of the congregation. It is a blessing.”

Margaret: “Our church does not have formal program, but has provided a shadow in sunday school for our son for years.  They tweak the program each year, and currently rotate high school boys to shadow him.  And, yes it does allow us to attend church which I find peaceful and renewing.”

Bill:  “Our church does not have a specific Special Needs program, but they do teach the leaders about different disabilities. They have been so welcoming and accepting of my son. They would do anything to help make it so he could function in the Primary. So far he does fine with the visuals up and the routine is the same week after week. I am blessed to have it this way for us at Church.”

Lorraine:  “No churches in my area specifically have a ‘special needs’ program. But some are more welcoming and accomodating than others.  It was very hard to find a church to suit not only our special needs but our needs as a family to make sure everyone gets what they need spiritually.  But I think we have found one now.”

Ashley:  “Although the church I attend does not have a special needs program, they have accommodated my son’s needs from the time he was little. At three years old, they gave him is own Sunday school teacher, and she was amazing! Since then, he has attended regular classes with the children and youth, and the teachers and other kids are so friendly to him. These kids who have been kind have also been blessed to learn how to have a friend with special needs. It has been a win/win situaton. I am so grateful to these parents and kids every day for doing what Jesus would do–being kind.”

Beth:  “Our church does not have a special ed program but they are very open to special needs kids and include them as much as possible. I would like to see them offer more support to the parents though like respite days when we can leave our kids for a brief time for a date night.”

I wanted to add my “thank you” to all of you who are finding a way to include families who have a child with special needs!

What on earth is a sensory diet? Is it a diet of only certain foods or certain calories?

No!

A sensory diet is a term used to describe sensory activities that are used children with autism, ADHD, or Sensory Integration Disorder.

Just as your child needs food throughout the course of the day, a child with autism, ADHD, or SPD needs sensory input, and opportunities for getting away from stimulation, spread out over the morning.  A “sensory diet” is a carefully designed, personalized activity plan that provides the sensory input a child needs to stay focused and organized throughout the morning.  In the same way that you jiggle your knee or chew gum to stay awake or soak in a hot tub to unwind, children need to engage in stabilizing, focusing activities, too.  Young children, teens, and adults with mild to severe sensory issues can all benefit from a personalized sensory diet.

Here’s a resource for you that identifies a handful of sensory diet activities that we incorporate during our Children’s Life Group or ones that you can do at home:

Sensory Diet Ideas

The great news is that the effects of a sensory diet are usually immediate!  Activities that “wake” your child up or calm him down are not only effective in the moment; they actually help to restructure your child’s nervous system over time so that he is better able to:

• tolerate sensations and situations he finds challenging
• regulate his alertness and increase attention span
• limit sensory seeking and sensory avoiding behaviors
• handle transitions with less stress

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Michael Woods, M.A. BCaBA

• People tend to pick partners who are similar to themselves in characteristics such as age, race, religion, physical attributes, social class, personality, education, intelligence, and attitude.

The more similar that people are in the characteristics listed above the greater the attraction towards another person.  The more similar two people are the greater the chances that a relationship or friendship (platonic or romantic) will develop!  Take a few moments to consider your spouse and your closest friends and you’ll most likely conclude that you are attracted to them (for the most part) because they are a lot like you!

What I admire about Jesus is that He taught and modeled loving those who were “unattractive” by society’s standard:

• “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink? ” (John 4:9b)

Jesus’ encounter with the woman at the well tells us many things about His character.  It also shows us where He places value…or maybe more accurately… where He doesn’t place value.  Jesus saw past the woman’s social status.  He saw how desperately she needed the living water that only He could offer, and He didn’t hesitate to offer it.

There is another Jesus encounter in the Bible.  One about a wee little man named Zacchaeus.  He was a very rich tax collector who became very wealthy by overcharging the people in his town.  Needless to say, Zacchaeus wasn’t liked by many.  Yet, to the dismay of the crowd, Jesus honored him by going to his house and eating with him.  Jesus saw Zacchaeus as somebody with an empty hole that only He could fill, and through His kindness Zacchaeus was transformed.”  Jesus saw in Zacchaeus what He saw in each of us, someone that needed His Love, Grace, and Mercy.

When our hearts are focused on following Jesus and loving those who are unlike ourselves we will show the world the kaleidoscope of love that God intended when diverse people—with and without disabilities–learn to walk, work, and worship God together in the local church.

It is easy to love those we like.  As a matter of fact, it hardly takes any work at all to be kind to those that we have befriended.  But, how do we open our hearts and love the “unattractive?”  I encourage you today, to ask God to see others through His eyes, love them the way that He loves you, for “The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.” (1 Timothy 1:5 NIV)

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You can watch it here:

http://video.pbs.org/video/2233279442

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Amazing Gifts: Stories of Faith, Disability, and Inclusion is a new publication by noted religion writer Mark I. Pinsky.

The author emphasizes that his purpose is to not to write a resource manual on accessibility and inclusion. Rather, Pinsky seeks to share stories of how people with disabilities have experienced their faith in the context of their disability, and how congregations have gained when they value the gifts that people with disabilities bring along. “This book,” notes the author, “is for congregational leaders and others who may have no expertise or personal experience with disability, but who make the congregational decisions about accessibility and inclusion.”

What about congregations? What about your congregation?

This book provides more than 60 short stories of how a variety of congregations have learned to be hospitable and inclusive to people who have various challenges.

You will read how Lucas McCarty, born with cerebral palsy, has found a faith home at Trinity House of Prayer. You will see how Fallbrook United Methodist Church learned the hard way to serve communion to spinal muscular atrophy sufferer Jo D’Archangelis. Pinsky describes how Temple Beth Or in Raleigh, North Carolina celebrated Hannah Ruth Greenblatt Eppinette’s bat mitzvah.  The synagogue didn’t let her severe mental disabilities keep her from this important rite of passage.

From the author: “As I hope the stories told in these pages [demonstrate], the “amazing gifts” of the book’s title embody a duality.  People with disabilities are embraced by faith communities, and congregations are enriched at least as much by the inclusion.”

This book is a resource for congregations of all kinds that have real life, specific challenges with inclusion and hospitality regarding people with disabilities.  The book is a sturdy companion to a team working on welcoming or an adult education class wanting to reflect on faith in action.

Our bodies don’t always function as they should, or at least as we wish they would. Brains misfire. Limbs miss signals or just plain go missing. Wheelchairs, canes, hearing aids, oxygen tanks, cognitive challenges, developmental disabilities, enter our lives – and our sanctuaries.  They always enter our lives as part of the daily life of people who are lovely, who have an abundance of love to share, and most certainly deserve love in the presence of God.   Of course, such situations and people present challenges. It can’t be any other way.  Yet, such situations and people are opportunities for reconciling encounters, like so many described in Mark Pinsky’s book Amazing Gift.

I highly recommend this resource to you.

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If I’m being honest with you then I’d have to admit that I know what it feels like to be so angry that you say something that you later regret.  My home used to feel like a battleground!  You know as well as I do that if you’re not careful it’s easy to let negative emotions get the best of you.  As seen in the example above, negative emotions tend to produce negative behaviors that are usually designed to punish someone as a means to decrease unwanted behaviors.  Punishment, unfortunately does not nurture or strengthen relationships!  It’s my belief that managing challenging behaviors can be accomplished in a way that not only minimizes unwanted behaviors but also strengthens relationships in the process!

Our goal as parents of children who “act out” is to bring a nurturing spirit into the parent-child relationship…one that is characterized by genuine warmth, mutual respect, and unconditional worth.  In order to facilitate these relational characteristics it is essential to maximize the use of Positive Support Strategies rather than punishment.

The law of positive social reciprocity is a time-tested, research-based relational principle that has been used in the fields of crisis management and marital therapy to strengthen relationships and reduce destructive conflict.  There is too much research to support the effectiveness of this principle to ignore!

I have successfully used this principle to de-escalate crisis behaviors with my own boys who are on the moderate-severe end of the autism spectrum, students with developmental disabilities that I have worked with, and adult-aged clients in residential settings.  If you are seriously interested in effective and positive methods to reduce crisis behaviors then it’s essential that you understand and apply the concept of social reciprocity!

Why use more intrusive or aversive methods of behavior management when there is a better way at your disposal?  Like me, I’m certain that you want to provide the best quality of life that you can for the one that you love.  If you are interested in developing and/or maintaining a positive relationship with your care-receiver then it’s important to refrain from using negative behavior management strategies such as punishment or restraint.

4 advantages of applying positive social reciprocity are:

1. positive social reciprocity can be used effectively with children with special needs.
2. positive social reciprocity can be used during each phase of the Relational Crisis Prevention Road Map.
3. positive social reciprocity strengthens relationships.
4. positive social reciprocity is a fairly easy Positive Support Strategy to implement.

Put the concept of positive social reciprocity to the test!  Take a few minutes to listen to the podcast.  You have nothing to lose.  You can listen to the podcast here.

Oh, and don’t forget to click “like” on our Special Friends Ministry facebook page to be notified when the next post is published!  Michael Woods M.A. BCaBA CPI

Splash.

It only took me three strides to reach the pool, dive in, and snag Jacob by his shirt, pulling him from the water.  Apparently Jacob had accidentally dropped his ball in the water, reached for it, and as a result fell into the water.  Jacob would have drowned in a matter of minutes because he did not know how to swim.

That day I decided to become intentional about making sure he knew how to swim.  His life might depend on it.

Swimming lessons became important to Jacob  in order to help him gradually become more and more safe in the water.  It took some effort to find someone who taught kids with special needs.  And yes, it was a hassle for us to have to take the time to drive him to the lessons.  In addition, it was a financial sacrifice for us due to the cost of the lessons.

But the result was worth it:  he learned how to swim!  

And so it is with the development of faith with our children.  Without teaching them the foundations of our faith, we’re leaving it up to them to figure how “swim” through life.  As parents of children with special needs we cannot toss our kids into the deep end of the pool of life and expect them to know how to swim.  We cannot count on the them knowing how to paddle to the side safely when the waters of life become turbulent.

Conclusion: I need to become just as intentional about my son’s faith.

If I’m going to be totally honest and open with you then I have to admit that I’ve done a poor job at being intentional at developing Jacob’s faith.  I could give you some excuses:  life feels overwhelming at times, parenting a child with special needs is tiring, perhaps because of his intellectual disabilities he may not be able to understand everything about what it means to have a relationship with Jesus.  But that’s all they are:  excuses.

I elimated any and all excuses to ensure that my son learned how to swim because I was concerned for his physical well being.  Shouldn’t I be just as intentional about eliminating any and all excuses when it comes to his spiritual well being?  The answer, of course, is “yes.”

I love the reminder that Michelle Anthony shares from her book, Spiritual Parenting:

“Parents are, by the power of God’s Spirit, to depend on God in order to create home environments that God can use to beckon our kids to Him.  Isn’t it time to embrace this simple but revolutionary concept?” 

During April I blogged about an “Aha” moment that I’ve recently had.  It’s about the relationship between parenting kids with special needs and faith.  Simply said, I’ve decided to start talkin’ the talk!  In June, I intend to start blogging about my faith at home journey.  Stated another way:

I’m going to start walkin’ the walk.

I hope you’ll join me on this journey of discovering how to be a more intentional parent.  I’ll need all the support I can get! In addition, I’ll be providing some ideas and resources specifically for special needs children along the way!

If you’re interested in joining me, then either subscribe to this blog or click “like” on our Special Friends Ministry facebook page so that you can be notified when new posts are published.  Michael Woods

Nowadays, however, I’m learning how to define my caregiving relationship more as “being with” my children rather than only about “doing for” them.   That’s an important concept.  As many of you know, I’m the father of triplet middle-school aged boys, each one on the autism spectrum.  Autism is a diagnosis whose defining feature is a lack of a desire to be social and it is the social deficits associated with autism that distinguish it from other developmental disorders.

Two of my boys, Joshua and Jacob, are on the severe end of the autism spectrum.  To put it bluntly, they have almost no desire to interact socially.  There are days in which they have not approached me one single time…not once…to say “hello!” or “Dad you want play Xbox with me?”

It is because of their lack of social desire that I have learned from them what it means to truly live in relationship with someone.  I find it interesting that I’ve learned the most about relationships and unconditional love from boys who rarely manifest a desire for either one of these concepts.  But they have been my teachers and here’s what I’ve learned:  to be in relationship with someone means being with someone and discovering along the way that you belong together regardless of your real or perceived differences.   Furthermore:

Being in relationship with someone means accepting them just as they are, with all of their limits, but also with their gifts and their beauty. 

“Being with” is the expression for that act of being in relationship with someone because one has chosen to be in relationship with that person.  I have chosen to be in relationship with my boys regardless of how their disability affects them.  You may be thinking to yourself, “Well, duh!” but I know plenty of parents who have not stepped up to the plate to take the time to get close to their child who has a disability!

It is NOT a given that just because you are a parent of a child on the spectrum that you are going to choose to put in the time and effort to develop a relationship with your child.  Some of my caregiver friends who have a parent with dementia/Alzheimers have shared the same thoughts about this with me because this diagnosis can also have a profound effect on relationships.

To reveal to someone their inner beauty is to reveal to them their inner worth by giving them your time, attention, and tenderness.  Is this not one of the ways that Christ shows His love for us?  To love someone is not just to do something for them but to reveal to them their own uniqueness, to tell them that they are special and worthy of attention.  You can express this revelation through your open and gentle presence, in the way that you look at and listen to a person, the way that you speak to and care for someone.

Children who have special needs are valuable human beings with as much dignity and worth as anyone else. Like anyone else, they need to know that they are wanted, loved, seen with dignity, and respected. They are an important part of our world, our lives, and they deserve to know that they matter and that they are needed.  Being with them, for no other purpose than simply being,  is one way of relating to them that reminds them of their worth.

Many of you already do this.  But for those of you, who like me, sometimes get caught up in all of the things “to do” for your care-receiver let me encourage you to start making some time to just enjoy being with the person you care for.  No agenda.  No “to do” list.  Just sitting with him or her, gently holding hands, and enjoying each other’s silent presence…

Click “like” on our Special Friends Ministry facebook page to be notified when the next article is published!  Michael Woods

I climbed the three steps to the door and teetered there for seconds, trying to open the door, refusing to have to put anything down.  I can be so stubborn at times!  I had the door almost open…when…I lost my grip, stumbled backward, and wound up on the ground, groceries flying everywhere!

That’s what I get for refusing to put anything down!  Amazingly, we all do this.  For me, that day, it was groceries.  For you perhaps it’s been a huge bundle of laundry.  For almost all of us…it’s been our pain.

It’s such a simple thing.  But how many moments can you count where you’ve refused to put down the pain that you’ve been lugging around?  Time and time again we are offered a chance to learn this lesson:

We cannot hold on to a lot of emotional pain and open the door to peace and joy.  

We must put down what we carry, open the door, and then only pick back up what we need to bring inside.  I struggle with this concept.  But I’m getting better at learning what is mine to carry…and what is not.  And I want to share a secret with you what’s helped me because I firmly believe that it will help you too…if you put it into practice.  My secret:  The Serenity Prayer

• “God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,
• The COURAGE to change the things that I can,
• And the WISDOM to know the difference.”

Take some time today to reflect on some aspect of caregiving that you struggle with.  Quietly and slowly repeat the Serenity Prayer allowing each word to sink in.  Allow Him to help you to identify those things that you cannot change…those unproductive thoughts that you need to let go of…those painful feelings that eat away at you like a cancer.  Let go of the things that you cannot change and put them down.  Then, and only then, can you open your heart’s door to the inner peace and joy that await you.

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I like the insight that Michelle Anthony shares in her book, Spiritual Parenting:

• “There are times when we don’t even realize the things we are passing down to our children just because they live among us and learn from us in every one of life’s situations” (pg. 202).

In a previous blog post I shared the latest national research conducted by the Search Institute.  561 congregations across 6 different denominations responded to a survey titled, “The Most Significant Religious Influences.”  The research was designed to determine what factors and which people most influenced teenagers in their faith.  The results:

Parents were the people who most influenced faith in their teens.

That’s the good news!  The bad news according to the research was how little time the average parent spends talking with their son or daughter about faith:

• Only 5% of fathers have a regular dialogue with their child on faith/life issues.
• Only 12% of mothers have a regular dialogue with their child on faith/life issues.

I wish that I could tell you that my wife and I are “above average.”  I wish that I could share that as parents of children with special needs that we excel at creating time in our daily schedule to teach our boys the tenets of our faith.  The truth of the matter:  we’re average parents.  As much as we love our boys we are not doing any better than the other 5% dads or 12% moms out there.

I don’t want “average” for my kids, special needs or not, and I’m sure you don’t want “average” for your kids either.

So what’s the first step in turning this around?  I think the answer is found in Deuteronomy 6:

• “Impress them [the commands of the Bible] on your children.  Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (v. 7). 

This idea behind this passage is that parents are to teach God’s commands to our children daily.  We’re to talk about them when we sit at home, when we’re on the road, at bedtime, and when we get up in the morning.  In other words, we are to spend time teaching our children about faith-related matters during the daily routines of the things that happen in our homes!

Here’s a short video by Ed Stetzer about this passage:

I hope you’ll join me on this journey of discovering how to be a more intentional parent.  I’ll need all the support I can get! In addition, I’ll be providing some ideas and resources specifically for special needs children along the way!  If you’re interested in joining me, then either subscribe to this blog or click “like” on our Special Friends Ministry facebook page so that you can be notified when new posts are published.  Michael Woods